The Jadedvisalian

On September 26, 2009, I gave my testimony. Though not complete. It does say a lot about me and where I came from. I must warn you. This is explicit and not the nasty kind. The kind that that will touch a nerve and make you reflect. It’s very intense and very real. Being allowed to tell it changed my life and touched others.

Evan pleads to anyone who will listen to buy him a new game for the Wii. Sophie and Mason mysteriously forget to not bounce the big swirly blue ball in the house. Abby and is engaged in a serious discussion with my wife on one of many subjects that trouble a preteen heart. The TV shouts the virtues of the Snuggie. All I want to do is come home and relax. All I want is for everyone to leave me alone. All I want is to not deal with any of this. Why does chaos greet me everyday?

As I grew into adulthood I became a loner. I did not have many friends and didn’t want any. I was angry, spiteful and cruel. I felt abandoned by the God my mother told be about. I questioned everything. I eventually brought my questioning cross hairs upon my faith. I asked is there really a God. Did his Son really exist. What about all those other religions. They have similarities. Could we all be on the right track. Could we all have a different piece of the spiritual pie? If someone was to ask the right questions could they bring the pieces all together and make it whole again? I wanted to be that person. I wanted to find the truth. If not for the world then definitely for me. I looked into everything I could about religion and faith and spirituality. I learned a great deal but none of it satisfied me like the stories my mother and family shared with me from the Bible. Those stories seems most real and authentic. I felt satisfied I found the truth. For me Christianity was what I was seeking. It wasn’t fragmented at all. But even so it wasn’t enough. As real and authentic as it was to me in my mind. My heart was still empty. It was a science experiment that failed. I took a beaker of god and a dash of the cross and poof I suppose to find truth. All I had to do was drink it and I would have salvation. It was suppose to be easy. I had all my spiritual ducks in a row, but I was not different. Did it take? I loved God. I loved his Son. I did not love his children. People bugged me before and bugged me still. Did I do the formula right? I was still the same me. I still didn’t like people. I liked being alone. I had my set of friends and I wasn’t accepting any new applications.
I saw no value and no worth in his creation. I thought my faith was to be added value and not a complete transformation. I questioned why God could ever love you,me or anybody. I was still missing something.

In a one bedroom house. Just slightly upon standards of a shack. My wife screams and cries in our bathroom. I rush in to console her or to join the celebration. I don’t know which to feel. She confirms to me in tears and laughter. We are literally hopping up and down for joy. We are pregnant.

As Abigail grew up. My way of doing things just was not working any more. I was ashamed of my past choices and for type of person I had become. I seriously did not want my daughter to learn from me and become me. It was through this self loathing that I realized how could I ever love my daughter. If I did not love my self. My God, what have I done. I will not be responsible for destroying my beautiful daughters life too. I did what my family taught me long ago. I turned to the only loving God I ever knew.
I screamed out to him. I pleaded with him. I begged him.
I was so sorry.
I done so many things wrong.
Please, please show me a better way. My way doesn’t work any more. I need you so much. Please God Help me. Please.
On that day, I gave up me. I dedicated my life to Jesus. To follow him and only him. I was finally transformed. I was different. I found the missing piece and it was me.
I loved my daughter so much that I was willing to give up the one thing I held most valuable. My pride. I emptied myself that day and God filled me with his Spirit. I finally understood how important you are to him. You became important to me. I was once a hater of people and now I find myself gathering people to me. I am now a people magnet. What once repelled now attracts. I have so many friends. It takes me time to count them all. I find myself now seeking people who I believe are alone. I desperately want that feeling for them to end. I don’t want anyone to be alone like I was for so long. The missing ingredient in my faith was that I needed to give more Love.

When I walk into my home and so much chaos greets me. I would not have it any other way. Though it can be trying. Some days I just sit back and I smile. My wife questions my sanity as her last nerve gets stomped on. As wild and crazy as my family is. I love them so much. I thank God for each of them because I have seen my life with out them; and though quiet. It is an empty, lonely, godless life.

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