The Jadedvisalian

What I thought was weird is that who ever owns this Hummer threw down some serious cash for this SUV. When they got a cover for the spare tire they spared all expense and hired a blind third grader to paint them a picture.



On the bright side. I saw this Lamborghini on Main street.

There I was, home from a long day at work sea and all I wanted was a sweet morsel of my wife’s baking. I opened the lid to our local cookie jar and avast me hartys we’ve been plundered.

There I was on my way home from work. When I saw this car packed. I mean packed with clothes and stuff. They had an out of state license plate, so I figure they are moving to Visalia or parts near by. When I pulled up next to them to get a better picture I saw someone sitting in and amongst the stuff. They were just jammed back there sitting in all that stuff. They should have called shotgun more quickly.

I live in Visalia, if you haven’t guessed by the name of the website, and maybe like your town we have strange people who do strange things. Nothing worthy of a segment on the news at 6 o’clock. Just stuff that will cause me to stop and take out my camera phone and snap a picture.
• First stop: Spelling ain’t a requirement



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Welcome to the bonus episode of the 2nd season of Stan Prolongo. Story written by and Voice of Stan Prolongo provided by DAVe Avila from The Jen and DAVe Show. If you have a podcast and would like to use Stan Prolongo for content in your show. Please do 2 things for us. Cut of only the ending credits and link back to this site. Thank you!

There I was in my office eating a package of meat and cheeses I had received in the mail when the phone rang. I answered. This is Stan Prolongo Private Detective from the white sandy beaches of the Goshen ocean these are my. Hello! It was my old friend Greg from Tacoma. He was the poker champion of 1984. I says to Greg, what can I do for you? He says that his old back injury is flaring up again just as he made it to the final world wide web woker I mean poker table. He may not play it if he doesn’t get his back back in order. He has searched with out success for a chiropractor or masseuse that will work on new years due to their mutual repulsion to sobriety. He asked if I could find him a miracle and he would gladly share with me a portion of the 1 million dollar prize. I tells him I got it covered and hang up.
After a few calls and Google searches I find that chiropractor and masseuse all have a mutual fondness for adult libations and were not willing to give up there annual inebriation but would gladly see Greg bright and early the 2nd of January. I tell them that will be too late. My luck changes when I find a woman in new England with trained chimps. She says she has simian that was schooled in the arts of chiropractory and massage. I tells her to get that monkey on a plane asap to Washington.
Proud as pie, I call Greg to tell him I have an angel of mercy flying in today to Tacoma to save his bacon. Greg regrets to inform me that the final table is played in person in Las Vegas. Where he is right now. All I could do was make an exclamation of excrement and reassure Greg I will get him back on his feet even if I flew in myself. That’s when it hit me. My stash of Nancy Drew mystery books fell on my head. I got an idea and I made my way to the library. Collette greeted me and directed me to the books on masseuse and massagery. With books in hand I got on the next flight outta Visalia Municipal. The bi-plane was loud but it’s speed allowed me to read my instructionals.
Upon my arrival, I found Greg and worked him like a steam roller. I gave him Swedish Massage ,Hot Stone Massage, Deep Tissue Massage, Thai Massage, Sports Massage, Reflexology,and Aromatherapy. Greg was back in business and I started to count my moneys. Greg felt so confident he nearly went all in on the first hand on a some kangaroos and lost. He lost the million smackers but hung in long enough to qualify for 50K. He though he did better than expected and handed me a smaller stack of bills than I had originally though I would receive. But Greg was happy and he said there was always the next tournament…and another story.

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Stan Prolongo by David Avila is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

 

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Welcome to the final episode of the 2nd season of Stan Prolongo. Story written by Justin Lowmaster from The Space Turtle Blog. Voice of Stan Prolongo provided by DAVe Avila from The Jen and DAVe Show. If you have a podcast and would like to use Stan Prolongo for content in your show. Please do 2 things for us. Cut of only the ending credits and link back to this site. Thank you!

We stepped into the darkened room and the walls lit up. Several computer monitors turned on. I noticed the sound of humming machinery. This was not an ordinary tomb. Sure, bones stuck out of the walls, and an occasional rat scurried in the shadows, but this place was state of the art. Collette wasted no time in getting on one of the computer terminals. In moments she found maps of the city, contingency plans, and information on all manner of spiders.

“How did you get all this info so fast?” I asked.

She said there wasn’t even a password on any files. More digging found files on dark magic and mind control. It all had something to do with spiders and old bones.

I asked if there was a map on how to get out of here before someone found us. She started looking. I started looking around the room. I found a door opposite the one we entered. It was metal and appeared sealed with a keypad lock. All around I saw bones, leg bones, arm bones, rib bones, almost every kind of bone imaginable. In a corner lay a ornate coffin. Unlit candles stood all around it. I lit one with my trusty lighter. The word “Eighlegs” was carved onto a metal plate on the lid. I thought about opening it, but it just seemed like a bad idea, the kind of thing that would get me yelled at if I was in a horror movie.

“Hey, I think I found something.”

I walked over to Collette and asked what she had found.

“This scan appears to be from one of documents in the library.”

She pointed out that the paper was in a plastic sleeve with a library label on it. I had never seen it. It showed several different pair, each containing a different bone and a spider.

“This might be what they didn’t want us finding out. It says here that …”

Collette yelped.

“Something just bit …”

I staggered when she shoved me backwards away from her and the computer screen. She came at me, grabbing at my throat. I leaped backwards and hit the wall. Something snapped. I looked at a small bone that stuck from the wall. It’d snapped it in two, and tiny spiders crawled out, scattering all over the wall. I quickly jumped away. Collette lunched again but I dodged. I saw the back of her neck. A small bone spider, very ornately carved, rested there. I grabbed at it, but missed. She picked up a rock and swung. It knocked the hard hat from my head. I stumped and fell against the table the monitor sat on. I noticed a cracked skull paired with an inverted spider symbol. I rolled as a rock crunched the keyboard where I had just been. Maybe I could just run back the way I came in. I recalled the broken ladder the same time I saw a figure darken the doorway. He held out a hand and Collette stood still. I pulled my gun. The figure waved his hand and Collette leaped. The gun fired off a round when she knocked it from my hand. I skittered across the floor towards the casket. The figure walked in, it was the man who wore the black leotard with spider print.

He told me how I could not stop him, he held the power of the spider. He said something about revenge for his family being ruined, and the Baron being killed by some action of the past residents of Visalia, and the ultimate insult of the desecration of his resting place. Really, all I cared about was stopping him. He asked if I was ready to die. I said I was not. He laughed and gestured. Collette picked up an old bone and chipped it on the rock she still held. She moved with speed that seemed impossible when she leaped and stuck me with the sharp sliver of bone. When she cracked the bone in two, spiders crawled out and fell to the floor. The rushed after me with uncanny swiftness. I staggered towards the coffin, towards my gun. Spiders crawled from under the coffin and carried it away. I felt them on shoes, crawling up my pants, crawling inside my pants. I wanted to make a joke about a first date, but I was just too terrified. I could feel them biting. I wondered if they were poisonous. I thought I was dead. I would just curl up and … that’s when it hit me. There wasn’t a single skull in sight. The picture of the skull and the inverted spider. The spider was curled up and dead. Tiny points of pain flared from over my whole body. Even if cracking a skull would kill them, there wasn’t …

With every ounce of energy I had left, I lifted myself off the ground and stumbled towards the coffin. I heaved on the lid. Whoever the spider man was, he made loud protestations, something about desecrating his ancestors. I pushed open the lid and it crashed to the floor. There he was, Baron von Eighlegs, from his toe bones to his skull. I pulled out the skull and most of the spine and ribcage came with it. I slammed the skull onto the ground. The bait continued, but the biting stopped. Collette shuddered and I saw the bone spider fall from her neck. She looked dazed for a moment, then she did what she was becoming a pro at. She bashed in the spider man’s head with a rock. I managed to get to my feet and made sure she was ok.

As we made out way out, dead spiders fell down my pant legs.

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Stan Prolongo by David Avila is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

 

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The things I find on Facebook.

Welcome to the 2nd season of Stan Prolongo. Story written by Justin Lowmaster from The Space Turtle Blog. Voice of Stan Prolongo provided by DAVe Avila from The Jen and DAVe Show. If you have a podcast and would like to use Stan Prolongo for content in your show. Please do 2 things for us. Cut of only the ending credits and link back to this site. Thank you!

As the light started to come back, a muffled voice seemed to be desperately apologizing to me. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, but everything came back when someone started examining the side of my head and white hot pain shot through my skull like lightning through a punk with a coupon book for piercings at Skin Lab. My eyes popped open and I swung at my assailant. Luckily I noticed that Collette was my assailant, and managed not to hit a lady. She said she didn’t know it had been me until it was too late. I gave back her glasses. They were a bit crooked, but they just made her look cute. I stood to my feet, slid back down the wall, then managed to slowly stagger upright, leaning on the wall.

“So much for this hard hat,” I says. “Didn’t seem to work.”

“It might have,” Collette says. “I hit you on the side of the head. If you didn’t tilt it sideways like a fedora … but it blocked some of the blow.”

“I came to rescue you,” I says.

She points out that if I wanted to rescue her, that I shouldn’t have closed the door behind me. I looked and saw that the door would not open from this direction.

“How do they go out after they come in?” I ask.

“They never close the door.”

I stared hopelessly at the blocked doorway. Hope flooded in like the tide when I saw the door open. Hope slid back to the sea when I saw a giant of a man standing in the doorway.

“Let me,” Collette said.

Before I could stop her, she stepped from behind me. The huge mountain started forward. He started downward after Collette smashed his head in with the same rock she’d pummeled me with.

“You’ve got a lot of strength for a librarian,” I says.

“I read lots of encyclopedias.” she said, grinning.

“Do you know what’s going on here? Why did they kidnap you?”

“Because only I had access to the books, the ones I’d let you read, the ones that revealed the secret to this underground mausoleum.”

“There’s a secret? What is it?”

She looked at me for a long moment, like I had just said something so stupid and it actually caused her brain to have to restart.

“I don’t know the secret, you were reading the books. Didn’t you find the secret?”

“No, I didn’t see anything about a secret. How do you know there is a secret?”

“I asked why I’d been kidnapped, he told me there was a secret.”

“I guess I’m not as good at using a library as I thought.” I says.

I headed out the door.

The remaining goons in tights came rushing from the left.

“Come and catch me!” I yelled at them.

I stepped back in.

“Stand here, by the door.” I says.

Each and every one rushed in after me. They grunted and cried out when they ran into the back wall and each other. I pulled Collette with me back out, then I shut the door behind me.

I tried the door across, but it didn’t budge. The center door did. It appeared to enter into a burial chamber. We stepped inside.

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Stan Prolongo by David Avila is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

 

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Welcome to the 2nd season of Stan Prolongo. Story written by Justin Lowmaster from The Space Turtle Blog. Voice of Stan Prolongo provided by DAVe Avila from The Jen and DAVe Show. If you have a podcast and would like to use Stan Prolongo for content in your show. Please do 2 things for us. Cut of only the ending credits and link back to this site. Thank you!

There I was picking up Collette’s glasses and putting them in my pocket. As I continued down the poorly lit tunnel, I had to wonder why she would have been kidnapped? Was it a way to get at me? But I had just met the librarian. Did she play a part in this I had yet to discover? I wished I’d have more time to research Baron von Eighlegs’ family tree. I wish I’d come better prepared. I wish I’d eaten a ham sandwich, I was really hungry. I had nearly turned a corner when I heard voices. I stopped to listen.

I heard a maniacal voice shouting for a group of people to look at the headlines. In bold print it said Visalia was up in a panic at all the strange happenings. The voice was slap happy that his plan would succeed. The speaker’s minions were to go forth to save the city from chaos and bring a sense of order and lull everyone into a sense of security. This villain was revealing his evil plan to be the hero and then once he had control he would systematically destroy all of Visalia. I had to give him credit, it was a good plan.
I tiptoed around the corner. Before me opened up a small cavern. It rested in an deep impression in the ground lit with flickering torches. A man wearing a ridiculous black leotard covered in a spiderweb pattern stood on a dais or for you uneducated types. A really small stage. He wore a strange mask covered with black eyes. Encircling him stood ten minions, fists raised high. They gave a preemptive shout of triumph. They too were dressed in spandex and capes, looking like a group of superhero wannabes. I bet I would see better costumes at a comic convention. Not that I attend them. I’ve heard people talk. Maybe if I found the controller to the spiders I am sure I would find attached to the back of everyone’s neck, I could stop this madness.

I found a ladder that took me down into the shadows and I saw a doorway behind them all. I thought myself I could easily make it down the ladder and to the door without being seen. I proceeded very careful like. I did not want to alert anyone as I lurked about. As I step down the ladder , the ladder broke and of course alerted everyone.

I sprung to my feet as Spiderweb pointed and shouted,”Kill him!”

I made for the door. If I could bottleneck them in the doorway and force them to fight me one at a time maybe I would have a chance. I sprinted and reached the door. The mob was seconds behind me. The door was locked. I turned to see a guy in blue rush at me head first. Torchlight flickered off his shiny bald head. Just before he crashed into me, I sidestepped and grabbed his cape and helped myself to a battering ram. I smashed his head into the door. It clanged loudly. I learned that the door was metal. I hadn’t been able to tell in the dim light. He crumpled to the rocky floor. Then I noticed the hand print reader beside the door. I turned back around and two more thugs, whom I shall refer to as Red Stripes Man and Yellow Pants Lady were on me. I ducked a punch from Red Stripes but got kicked in the hip my Yellow Pants. I stayed balanced, but it would bruise. I punched Red Stripes in the gut and he keeled over, gasping. I stood up to Yellow Pants and said she hit like a girl. She said, “Well, I never!” and slapped at me. I danced out of the way and her open palm hit the hand print reader. The door opened. I darted inside. Yellow Pants tried to follow, but so did an oafish fellow wearing green tights. They stumbled over each other and blocked the doorway behind me. Instead of staying to fight, I turned and sprinted down the hallway, looking for any door that looked promising. I turned the corner and found myself at the end of the hallway, with three unlabeled doors to choose from. Behind me, I heard the clatter of footsteps as my pursuers regained their legs and followed me. I opened the door to the right and entered, closing the door behind me. I turned to see a blur of motion, and everything went kinda fuzzy.

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Stan Prolongo by David Avila is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

 

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Welcome to the 2nd season of Stan Prolongo. Story written by Justin Lowmaster from The Space Turtle Blog. Voice of Stan Prolongo provided by DAVe Avila from The Jen and DAVe Show. If you have a podcast and would like to use Stan Prolongo for content in your show. Please do 2 things for us. Cut of only the ending credits and link back to this site. Thank you!

There I was following the moans and guttural cries for brains, we, I mean Brad the previous zombie and I found the other four zombies Lewis, Chris, Taylor, and Jennifer. We had to act all infected like while we headed back towards the lair. Once at the entrance, in the woods several yards away from the construction site, we quickly removed the spiders from the backs of their necks and explained the situation. I explained that strange things were afoot and that someone had a plot to turn Visalia into a panic stricken town by releasing false zombies,a very misfortunate mothmen, and mind controlled attack fish into the city or lake as the case may be. All the zombies wanted revenge at losing two weeks of their life. I simply wanted to know why.

The opening to the lair was actually a back door. A vine covered hill hid the doorway. We went inside, still acting as zombies. Unfortunately, the guardian knew right away we were not under control by way of the spiders after failing a grueling half hour test of simon sez. Before us stood a tall man dressed in flowing black robes. Tousled black hair covered his head. He stared down his angular nose at us.

“You should not be here,” he says. Then he tossed sand at us. I turned away, the brim of my hard hat blocking the grit. Everyone else fell asleep right there.

“So,” I says. “You must be the sandman.”

“I am, now, sleep!” he says

He threw more sand, which I again avoided.

“You’ll have to try harder,” I says.

He pulled out a tube blew into it, shooting a ball at me. It hit my chest and burst into a cloud of sand. I wrapped my coat around it, trapping the sand. He loaded another ball, but I rushed and blew in the tube before he could. The ball flew into his mouth, causing him to cough. I grabbed the tube and smashed it over the sandman’s head. He fell. I pulled the spider from his neck and continued deeper into the lair. I felt something under my foot and stopped, expecting a trap. Instead I found the slightly bent glasses of Collette the librarian.

 

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